So very, very frustrating.

Sometimes I think that the reason I’m so good at sinking into books, or why I love gaia so much is that real life is so very frustrating.  In a piece of writing, you usually know what almost everyone is thinking.  In real life, you don’t.

Maybe it’s all just an escape from reality for me.  But reality really sucks sometimes.  This is my own fault more often than not.  And each time, though I get frustrated and angry with my parents, I’m usually angrier with myself.  It’s really hard to explain.  On the outside, I’m angry with my parents.  On the inside I’ m hating myself for being a teenager.  For continuously being irresponsible, a procrastinator and a screw-up.  For not trying hard enough.  I know, better than my parents, what I can do.  I know that I can do better than I sometimes do.  Every time I fail, I’m reminded that I’m just spiraling down.

For every step I take forward, I seem to take two steps back.

And I hate it.

Sexuality

Sexuality is a big issue for teenagers.  Whether one is homosexual, bisexual or heterosexual. Some are bothered by their preferences, others go with the flow.  But most, if not all, teenagers deal with this issue.  The question must arise at some point in time: “Am I gay?”

And, to be honest, I have definitely wondered about my own sexuality.  It niggles at me every once in a while and I ponder on it.  I’ve found that I rather like being single in my last year of high school, it allows me to gaze upon other individuals without feeling guilty.  And it allows me to mentally pursue the question of my sexuality without any hindrances.  I’ve never talked about this issue before, because I’ve never thought I needed, or wanted to put it up on my blog.  Recently, however, the niggling has gotten pretty bad.  I’ve found myself wondering, on more than one point in time, if I might not be heterosexual as I’ve believed.

My belief in my heterosexuality has kept me from wondering too intensely, but I’m beginning to doubt my own belief.  Was it perhaps just a drilled in want to be straight from my childhood that kept me from experimenting?  My thought processes have made me rather glad that my parents have open minds when it comes to such a topic.  I haven’t broached it with them, for I have found no need as of yet.  It is a personal adventure I need to work through on my own. And it is such a hard topic to go through personally.

I wonder if perhaps I’m afraid of being anything other than heterosexual?  I mean, am I falling into a category of people who fear being outcast by society for being far too different?  Already I have two points against me: I don’t believe in God, and I’m not thin.  Could I stand to have yet another point against me?  Does it matter?  I don’t know.  I think I am succumbing to that age old fear of being shunned, so I resist any impulse to wonder, to experiment.  I remain in the dark, ever wondering about myself, but too afraid to step forward and ask.  And I’m tired of it.

I’ve long since taken my stance on the issue of gay rights.  And I’m not going to change them, especially not now that I’m seriously questioning my sexuality.  At the same time, at the thought of turning out to have attraction for those of my gender makes me worry.  I am afraid.  Perhaps of being shunned by family members, those I hold dear to me.  I am not stupid, I know that some of my family members are very religious.  I think that fear has been holding me back…

Society itself is just beginning to really accept relationships that aren’t heterosexual.  Homosexuality is becoming more common in the entertainment industry, but there’s still a lot of people frowning upon it.  I think I finally understand what it’s like to struggle with one’s own thoughts and feelings in the face of society’s frown.

I am undecided as of the moment.  The more I think about it, though, i more I believe that I am bisexual.

Dropping Phsyics

I’m feeling butterflies at the moment.  Tomorrow, I need to get my AP Physics teacher to sign my ‘drop out’ form.  Since I’m dropping the class.  It makes me feel bad, but I really must.  I’m switching into some sort of Sociology class that I haven’t taken.  The only class available for third hour that I haven’t taken.

Frustration

It seems my high school life as a senior is not making my home life easier.  More and more often I find myself frustrated.  That is probably due to the fact that I’m a teenager and get easily frustrated with everything around me.  The whole ‘attitude’ thing.  Well, it’s still hard on the teenager, too.

Anyways I thought I’d post something, but I’m too frustrated to do as such.

Every time I post….

It seems to me that I post more often than not to rant.  I hope I’m not offending anyone who happens to read this blog.

Today, I have again found myself frustrated.  With the Democratic candidates for presidency.  It seems the big names won’t be coming to Michigan and that ticks me off.  What right do they have to just brush us off?  Our votes do count, whether they like to think so or not.  Politicians, in general, usually disgust me, but I thought that this was just sad.  There doesn’t seem to be any sort of reason for Obama and Clinton not coming to Michigan, it’s not like we’re a pack of rabid dogs or something.  Besides, maybe there are people here who they could have won over by making one simple speech.  It’s just frustrating, because this is an insult to my state.  They, to me, seem to be saying that Michigan is not important enough for them to bother.  Although New Hampshire was...That is just crap and I hate them for it.

The problem is, the democrats don’t look half as evil to me as most of the republicans do.  I’ve already chosen my favorite candidate, but I’m not voting in the primaries, so I’ll just wait and see who comes out on top.  Then I’ll decide who I’m going to vote for.  For, I am going to be of voting age this year and I want to be able to have my say instead of helplessly watching the debates and then watching the country screw itself over for another four years like I did in 2004.  Not that my vote is going to make a huge deal, it’s just one among millions, but it’ll make me feel better.  For I’ll feel that at least I got my say, even if the country decides to screw itself over once again.  But then, this meanness comes from the fact that, because of Bush, I’m not too happy with the Republicans at the moment.  And the Democrats have ticked me off.  Life sucks, but you just have to deal with it.

Missed the Holidays, but Youtube caught my eye.

I was looking at a bunch of videos put up by atheists and christians alike.  Oh, look at that, my PC wants me to capitalize ‘christians’, but not atheists.  How odd.  Moving on, back to the topic at hand.

I was wandering around Youtube, lead there by a post on my father’s blog and watching various videos, a lot of which were flaming atheists for daring to have an opinion, some even went so far as to say that atheists needed to stop being allowed to put videos up.  Now that just disgusted me.  Of course, I found it somewhat ironic that all these christians, yelling and complaining about the atheists, were doing the same thing they claimed everyone was doing to them.  They wanted to take away other people’s rights to free speech.

One atheist made a good point in his video.  He explained that the reason atheists didn’t just shut up is because they also deserved the right to speak up about their views.  One girl, a christian, said that atheists weren’t saving people and, to me, she basically said that logic had no advantage.  Now that is just kind of sad.

Honestly, I sometimes just don’t get why some religious people won’t let others talk about their views without trying to rip them down.  And they wonder why so many people ridicule them these days.

I, myself, have not been able to make that big step into pure atheism.  It’s scary to think that one will cease to exist.  I mean, I can accept the facts, and I don’t believe in any sort of religion, so maybe that makes me an atheist.  Unfortunately, weak as I am, I’d prefer to think that a person doesn’t die completely.

Ticked off!

Ok, I was on Gaia, looking through the Chatterbox threads and I saw that there were a bunch pertaining to “The Golden Compass”.  This revealed something to me that I’ve always hoped was true.  Kids are not stupid! We do notice the things that happen around us.  One girl posted a thread about how she was Christian and she wants to see TGC, but her mom won’t let her because the movie “goes against our beliefs”.  It’s hard for me not to jump in the thread, because a majority of the people that are still posting are religious.  However, we also are a bit more understanding than adults.

The girl also mentioned how when she was 18-21 she wanted to drop the whole religious thing.  When another girl asked her if she really meant that and asked if she’d thought about her parents’ reactions, she responded that yeah, she meant it and the only reason she was waiting was because she didn’t want to ave to deal with “parental consent”.  Excuse my language, but what the fuck?  Why should a child need their parents’ CONSENT to believe something?  What, should I go ask my dad if it’s ok if I’m not atheist or something?  This is part of the reason I don’t like highly religious parents.  Because their kids are afraid to tell them if they do or do not believe in God.  I think that that is ridiculous.

That is oppression to me.  That girl wants to wait until she’s an adult to even attempt to find her own religion.  Maybe some people need to step back and give their kids some breathing room.  All this crap about how evil TGC or Harry Potter or anything that doesn’t promote God and his fancy little kingdom should go out the window.  I know, I know.  A lot of them just aren’t smart enough to let it go and maybe I’m being spiteful saying that, but I don’t care.  I don’t think it’s right that someone’s kid doesn’t fell she has the permission to say she doesn’t believe in God.  It just seems that religious people, not all of them, but a good many of the ones I’ve seen, are brainwashing their children from an early age.  Is there something wrong with letting the child grow and then decide what they want to believe?  Are they that afraid that they’ll lose followers by doing that that they must force kids to accept God?  I’m too frustrated to really thing right now.  But that just doesn’t seem right to me.  Then again I have a dad who’s Atheist and he doesn’t push me one way or another.  He’s told me what he believes and he’s left it at that.  Besides, I already chose science over god.  So, I guess I’m going to Hell.  Well, I’m proud.

Twilight: The MOVIE

Yes, you read right, there’s going to be a movie!  A MOVIE!!!  Oh, I am so excited.  I mean, I was excited when I first heard that Summit Entertainment was going over the possibility, but now it’s a reality.  They’re casting!  Actors!!  They’ve already cast Bella and Edward, now they only have to cast the rest of the characters.  They didn’t pick bad choices either.  Some people are all whiny and complain about who’s been cast, but I don’t know. I think that actors that were chosen will be able to pull off their parts believably enough, praying that the scrip actually gives the movie a story.  My friend wanted the cast to be newcomers that nobody’s really heart of before, you know, like they did for Harry Potter and Narnia.  However, they’re using a Harry Potter actor.  The dude who played Cedric Diggory, one Robert Pattinson, will be playing Edward.  I must say that the image Stephenie put up of him was not my favorite, but when I looked him up myself, I saw that he indeed could be the Edward of my imagination.  It’s hard, of course, switching from Henry Cavill, whose image I have coveted as Edward for a year now, but I’ll deal.

Bella is to be played by Kristen Stewart, who played the elder sister in Zathura and several other roles that I can’t bring to the front of my mind.  Like I’ve said, I’m pretty happy/content with the choices made.  I’ve not been a huge participant int he heated debates over who should play each role, though I’ve had my small opinions.  I still think Tom Welling would make a great Emmett, but I’m sure I will be quite happy with whomever they should choose.  They’ve been doing a great job so far.  They have, I’ve noticed, changed the story a bit.  I, being giddy when I read the summary of the not-yet-even-close-to-being-started movie, giggled incessantly.  I’m sure someone would have smacked me had anyone been in the room with me.  All in all I’m very excited.  Here’s the summary:

Blurbs

I’ve more or less given up hope on writing Grandpa’s story.  I just don’t have the inspiration.  I mean, I know what I want to happen, but I’m not sure how to draw it out to the appropriate length without making it seem boring.  I’ve decided to set it aside for the time being and just write what I feel like writing.  Let the pen flow as it will, or so.  I’ll probably get back to Julien’s story, in blurbs, but I don’t expect to finish it by the end of 2007 unless I have a sudden spurt of insight. All I know at the moment is what I more or less am inclined to have happen and where the major events occur in the story.

I’ve turned my thinking towards random blurbs of my six-story story.  That may not make any sense, but it’s six books, each with their own story that follows another storyline.  Sort of.  It makes sense to me, and, when I get them written out, it may make even more sense to me.  I think I’m gonna just stop worrying about what others think and just write what I feel is necessary to write to make the story correct.  I’m gonna aim to write a short story or two and try sending them into magazines to see what happens.  First, I need to find plots and then I need to discover the characters.  Or vice versa, whichever comes first.  I’ve already got two extra stories.  I think I might make The Space Angel into a short story...But I can’t since it won’t fit the short story criteria…

Whatever, I’ll figure stuff out and work on something simple.  I really do want to send some of my work into a magazine somewhere.

The Golden Compass

...And other movies that are coming out.  I still haven’t seen Stardust, and neither has dad or mom, so we’ll probably put that on our Netflix list as soon as it comes out on DVD.
Man, but I gotta go.  I’ll write a note to myself to get on tomorrow and re-post or something.

Johnny Young Bosch

Indeed, Indeed!  I have met one of my all-time childhood heroes.  The Black Power Ranger, Johnny Young Bosch.  He even hugged me!  And I got a picture, in which I look really bad, but still!  I have proof that I was there!  hat it happened!

Now, on another note, I’m still working hard on my story for grandpa.  And I finally realized why I wasn’t going anywhere with it.  I hadn’t ended the first chapter and my brain couldn’t come up with anything.  When I finally get this whole stupid thing all written, I’m gonna have to do some serious revision.  As it is, there’s a lot of thought dialog rather than spoken dialog.  Kind of depressing.  However, there’s only one main character, so what am I supposed to do?  I’m just making it up as I go along, the rules of this world are so awesome and different.  A world all by itself.  Of course, the funny thing about this story, if I ever get it finished, is that I’ll be able to reference it in another story I plan to write, because the main character in this story sort of exists in that story, but doesn’t.  He’s all new, made just for the 50-page story I’m writing now.  But he can be referenced.  Go me and my story!

Birthday and Bad News

It’s Uncle Paul’s b-day today.  Everyone, practically, is getting together again.  It’s been a long time since so many of us got together.  It’s odd, but nice.  I missed the days when the entire Gribble family got together.  Or the entirety of it as I know it.

However, with good news comes bad news.  I’m dropping out of AP Physics.  I’m gonna talk to my counselor tomorrow, because I’m practically failing the class.  I just don’t get it and it’s no use for me to continue to struggle in a class if I want so badly to drop it.

Storytime

So, I’ve finally started work on my story for Grandpa, the one he wants me to write for him on my eighteenth b-day.  I found a theme from, ironically enough, a fanfiction.  And I ran with it.  Before this theme, I couldn’t find anything.  The trouble is, I think, that I have to find a way to keep the doubt from ripping me down out of my happy place.  So, I shall struggle on and hopefully get the rough draft of it done by the end of October.

Frustrated

I am a bit frustrated right now.  I seriously wanted to go driving, but dad was playing his game and mom just wanted to go home after shopping.  So, tough luck, I suppose.  I guess it’s so frustrating only because I know I don’t have much of a chance of going driving during the week.  Only because time it really tight.

Anyways...I’m gonna just go read or something.

Almost Done

Yay me!  Jim and I talked about politics in the car today.  It was most interesting.  And!!!  I got to drive home....In the dark!  Go me!

Ok, so dad was right.  No one knew I was taking Driver’s Ed.  Well, I am.  Or was.  I’m just about to end it.  Tomorrow is my last day of driving in the DE car and then I get my permit.  I haven’t been posting as much as I’d thought I would.  I’ve been so tired during the week, but that’s no excuse.  I’ll try to do better.