Sexuality

Sexuality is a big issue for teenagers.  Whether one is homosexual, bisexual or heterosexual. Some are bothered by their preferences, others go with the flow.  But most, if not all, teenagers deal with this issue.  The question must arise at some point in time: “Am I gay?“

And, to be honest, I have definitely wondered about my own sexuality.  It niggles at me every once in a while and I ponder on it.  I’ve found that I rather like being single in my last year of high school, it allows me to gaze upon other individuals without feeling guilty.  And it allows me to mentally pursue the question of my sexuality without any hindrances.  I’ve never talked about this issue before, because I’ve never thought I needed, or wanted to put it up on my blog.  Recently, however, the niggling has gotten pretty bad.  I’ve found myself wondering, on more than one point in time, if I might not be heterosexual as I’ve believed.

My belief in my heterosexuality has kept me from wondering too intensely, but I’m beginning to doubt my own belief.  Was it perhaps just a drilled in want to be straight from my childhood that kept me from experimenting?  My thought processes have made me rather glad that my parents have open minds when it comes to such a topic.  I haven’t broached it with them, for I have found no need as of yet.  It is a personal adventure I need to work through on my own. And it is such a hard topic to go through personally.

I wonder if perhaps I’m afraid of being anything other than heterosexual?  I mean, am I falling into a category of people who fear being outcast by society for being far too different?  Already I have two points against me: I don’t believe in God, and I’m not thin.  Could I stand to have yet another point against me?  Does it matter?  I don’t know.  I think I am succumbing to that age old fear of being shunned, so I resist any impulse to wonder, to experiment.  I remain in the dark, ever wondering about myself, but too afraid to step forward and ask.  And I’m tired of it.

I’ve long since taken my stance on the issue of gay rights.  And I’m not going to change them, especially not now that I’m seriously questioning my sexuality.  At the same time, at the thought of turning out to have attraction for those of my gender makes me worry.  I am afraid.  Perhaps of being shunned by family members, those I hold dear to me.  I am not stupid, I know that some of my family members are very religious.  I think that fear has been holding me back…

Society itself is just beginning to really accept relationships that aren’t heterosexual.  Homosexuality is becoming more common in the entertainment industry, but there’s still a lot of people frowning upon it.  I think I finally understand what it’s like to struggle with one’s own thoughts and feelings in the face of society’s frown.

I am undecided as of the moment.  The more I think about it, though, i more I believe that I am bisexual.